Heartache!

One of the toughest things you can deal with is heartache. Right now I am dealing with just that, a heartache. Heartache is not only a romantic things, it can also be over a friendship . The heartache I feel is over the loss of a friend. I really genuinely felt like I could call this person a friend. To be honest, I still feel that way. This heartache sits a little differently.

One day I started to see that things between this person and I had change. I now know that things have changed. I tried my hardest to communicate and reach out to see if there is anything we could do to fix it and try to work on it. As humans you will never be able to stop making mistakes because that is just how we learn, through trial and error. But, because I value friendship and I know from experience that good friends are hard to come by. I wanted to reach out and see if I could remedy the situation. I take friendships just as serious as I take my romantic relationships. Plus, my circle of friends is so small that I try to be as open and honest as possible with the people I choose to let in.

To say I don’t feel anything,I would be a liar because I feel everything that has to do with this heartache. When you go from speaking to a person everyday to them ignoring you and not saying anything to you. That’s what hurts the most. I have tried to ask questions because you can look back to see if you have said anything wrong, overstepped on boundaries. To me it is always better to ask the person who you hurt what you did. I went from hearing from this person everyday to not hearing from this person at all. Let me tell you that is a hard pill to swallow. Especially when you think so highly of this person. You start to question did you mean anything at all. Then you come realize that maybe not. So you sit down and allow yourself to deal with this loss.

My hope is that these people that we feel for and still feel for will. Well in my case will always feel for and have a place in my heart for, understand that you value them. Trust them, and want nothing but the best for them. One day you hope they see that. Even if it means that you won’t be there to see it with them.

Friendships matter in a world that only values what you can do for me. I like to see what I can do for them. So love the friends you have because you never know when they will just walk away from you.

So to this person, If you ever see this just know I value you, and hope one day you and I can have a conversation about what helped us drift apart. Until then friend I wish you love, success and happiness in everything you touch.

Respectfully,

Cynethia!

Identifying You! :)

Over the last couple of months, I’ve been struggling with who I am. I’ve been caught between the people pleaser Cynethia and the I really don’t want to do that Cynethia. I’ve set goals for myself, and didn’t follow through with them. I struggled with love, trust, understanding, being overly emotional, to just down right being complicated.

I having falling apart, pick myself up, fell again and repeated. I neglected my site. Not to mention, I have a job that’s so demanding and tiring that all I want to do when I get home is take a nap at 3 in the afternoon. I say all this to say, I had a couple months of struggle. ūüôā

When I realized, I was losing me. I couldn’t figure out where I went wrong. I had all these questions but not a single answer. I remember getting up going to work and doing my job but not feeling the joy I once had. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and it is rewarding to do what I do and see the results. But….. No one tells you about the after effects of getting the things you love and losing you in the process.

Your friends and textbooks don’t say, “Girl you should make time for you.” You don’t work this hard just to work and not have fun. You need to stop doing everything and just do what you are required to do. No one says, in the working world people only do what is required. Because…. they have been doing the job for so many years, that they have become tired of doing extra of stuff.ūü§¶‚Äć‚ôÄÔłŹ

When I say I was doing everything and feeling overworked. I felt like I had 8 arms and 2 legs and juggling at the same time. If my job offered it, I should have gotten a sticker that said ” the working horse: if you don’t do it, she will.” I was taking on other people’s job because I felt like I had to. Trust, they didn’t object to it; because someone else was doing their job. So they was like here take my workload, I’m just going to sit here and look good. I became tired and aggravated, to point that I started looking at people sideways. What I didn’t realize was, I didn’t set the ground rules when I first came in. I was so afraid of doing something wrong that I was working like my life and legacy depended on it. Which it didn’t, to be truthful and still don’t.

I didn’t want no marks , no F’s, no incomplete, no derogatory comments. Nothing! I was going to prove I was meant to be there and I was able to stand the test of time. Not paying attention to the fact that I was failing at life and failing myself in the process of pleasing a job that would still be there, after I had stress myself out. Let’s be honest, I was headed to stress land. I was on a one way ticket. I wanted so badly to speak up to people who felt like they could tell me what to do but didn’t have the credentials to back it up. Knowing deep down, I had a voice but at that time, the cat had my tongue. I wasn’t at my best and I wasn’t standing in my true form. I was standing in a window of fear and toxic energy that was causing me to question, Who am I?

Until I was able to realize that I was doing more harm than good. I kept this trend going for a few more months before I finally got myself together. Finally, I decide after reading a book that a co-worker had lend me called “TD. Jakes: Instincts,” This book spoke to me so much that I had a moment where I felt like he was sitting in my house, reprimanding me like he was my parent. It was at that moment, I started to realize I no longer wanted to be a yes woman. ūüôā I wanted to be Cynethia again and I knew that she was in there somewhere waiting for me to open the window. Hoping that I would free my inner voice and speak up for the person that my mother raised. Before I found me again, I was coming home complaining and wishing I would have spoke up for myself. Stress eating unhealthy foods and praying that it wouldn’t stick to my thighs, knowing good and well it was. ūü§∑‚Äć‚ôÄÔłŹ But hey, it sure was tasty and it helped me bond with my inner struggle. On the weekends, I didn’t want to do nothing. I wanted to sleep. Nothing less, nothing more. No ambition to get stuff done, no determination, no perverances. Letting other opinion dictate what I should be doing, instead of following my instincts on what I know. Bishop Jakes said “Just because a person has more experience than you, doesn’t mean they know more than you.” I found that to be: the truth.

No one should ever make you question your ability to Identify You. No one should ever put fear or toxic energy in your thought process to make you feel like you don’t belong or fit the cause. If you didn’t belong or fit the cause you wouldn’t have made it this far. This is your proof that you belong and you don’t need someone else opinion that you don’t. Another quote I took from the book was “While you can respect others opinion, you cannot walk on someone else wisdom, who have never been on your level.” When I say I was shocked by these word….I was. Because…. in life we takes someone else words to heart way to often. We believe that if they are saying it, they mean it. Here’s a little secret, your enemy can say something that could put you in a worst case scenario. Knowing that it will take you off your game. People in this day an age don’t want someone else to shine because they know it will reflect on what they don’t have or strive to have. Harsh reality for a harsh world. We all like to try and see the good but in this thing called life , the bad balances everything out. You can’t have something positive without something negative popping up. And you can’t have something good without the bad. This is how life is meant to work and have been for many years. How you interpret it is how you see yourself at that moment. Life will only give you what you put out in the world. This is what I am realizing as become an older woman in my late 20s. You can’t have the good without bad. You can’t be at peace without finding what truly makes you happy. These are all things that Identifies You.

What did I do to get back to me? I found more positive things to make me change my outlook on my life. I listen to podcast,I read more books and quotes, I changed my circle of friends and watch who I let near me. But…. most importantly I follow my instincts because I know they won’t leave me hanging. I don’t do what I don’t want to do. I listen to others opinions but I don’t take it to heart anymore. I realize people like to talk and I no longer care; to be honest. I can’t change a person opinion and it’s not part of my job description, so why do I care. Once I came to that conclusion that everyone is not meant to like you and\or accept you. I freed my mind. Because their opinion does not help me pay my bills, feed my family, help me get in to the afterlife, put more money in my bank account. Help me do my job effectively. Why do I care? Some people love to hear themselves talk because they like the sound of their voices; it soothes their souls and put a bandaid on what they don’t want to face at that moment: Themselves.

One thing you can’t run from is YOU. Eventually you have to face you and your troubles (struggles). So I ask that you Identify you. No matter how strong we think we are, there is something that catches our tongues and hold on to them. Know the signs and knock them out the park. Before you become like me and forget your identity and lose who you are meant to be.

Until next time,

Cynethiaūüôā‚̧ūüôĆ

Welcome, 2019!

Happy New Year, I would like to do some reflecting on the past year.

From starting a new job, planning for my future, to setting plans and procedures to help make it thru the upcoming year(2019).

We are now, 6 days in, I can say honestly that I never felt so good about a year, even though it just started.

My plan is to make this year my best from working hard at a job I love, to focusing on being a woman of growth and strength. As well as taking the good and the bad with the outlook of a positive outcome. Whether it is the outcome I wanted or the outcome that was needed. I plan to make the best of it no matter what.

This year I will only focus on the positive. My mindset is that I will no longer allow the negative to impact my mind, my soul, my performance, my ethics, nothing that I know that as a strong-willed woman that I can control. I will no longer allow it to have a hold on me, it will be ignored and pushed out of my thought process.

I’m no longer using words such as can’t and won’t. These are words that hold negative endings. Well to me it does. I will not be limiting myself from trying to conquer every challenge that is placed in front of me.

So here is to the New Year. Let’s fight for what we want and taking every step, not just the first few.

Growth Comes With Hope!!!!!

Have you ever just thought about how far you have come? or Have you ever just sat in a chair, looked around a room and said to yourself “WOW, if someone would have asked me five years ago would I be where I am today, I would have probably looked at them crazy “. Whether you go to an office or you are taking¬†that first step into a passion of¬†yours.¬† ¬†There is something to be said about growth. When you are able to see the growth, you begin to feel hope. This is called Growth comes with hope. I learned a long time ago that you need some form of hope to be able to grow as an¬†individual.¬† Nothing can be worse than losing hope on something you desperately want and you fail at because you lose hope in it.¬†

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When I first started college, I was so nervous that I was walking with less hope because it was something new. “I have never been here before” I kept telling myself. I wasn’t hopeful and I was extremely timid about walking into this new surrounds. All my life, I had my mother to push me now I had to push myself. When I say it was the scariest thing in the world. It was literally the scariest thing in the world. Walking into this big building with no friends or my protective shelter, it was just little¬†ole me. I’m going to give you a glimpse into my first semester. My first class was an African Studies class and I¬†had to give a speech at the end of the semester that meant standing up in front of my fellow classmate and talking for about 20 minutes.¬† ¬†When I say I wanted to pass out, literally¬†wanted to fall on the floor. My heart was beating in my ears, my hands were shaking, my voice cracked. Random thoughts running through my head. I was losing hope about this college thing fast.

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What made me gain hope again was due to the fact,¬† I was prepared before everyone else. I think¬†we got the e-mail two nights before the presentations were set to take place and I¬†started as soon as I got the e-mail and was done the next day.¬† I was not worried about doing the work. I was worried about talking in front of my classmates. These are people I’ve never met before and I had never given a speech in my life. So when it came time to give the speech I allowed my nervousness to get the best of me. So here’s how I got my confidence back, I close my eyes, gave myself a pep talk and proceeded to give my speech with my shaking hands. I was the first one which I learned in future classes that normally the first one sets the bar for every person that comes after them.¬† I also got my 5 extra points and by the end of the semester, I completed that class with an A.¬†

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When I saw that A, I had never wanted to kiss a grade so badly. Lol. I was so sure I did terribly,¬† it did take me a moment to get those words flowing. I was so sure he was going to take points off. Here’s where the growth part of my story comes in. After I conquered the African Studies class I was determined to not let my nervousness get the best of me again.¬† I found out that I had to take a speech class as an elective, As a way to prepare myself,¬† I signed up for it my second semester. I grew skills to prepare for anything.¬† For every semester after that, I pick up new skills to help me complete college within a two-year period.¬† This is why I say growth comes with hope. If I had not done that speech and stood in front of my fellow classmates,¬† I would probably have let my hope dwindle little more each day. Out of all the things I’ve done I have to say college has taught me the most. You have to be willing to take that first step and allow yourself to believe you can do anything.¬†

Hope = Growth. 

DON’T LOSE HOPE YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO KEEP PUSHING ON.

Tell me a time when you felt hopeful and tell me how has it helped you grow? 

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Positive Mind Equals Positive Heart

There is this saying that continues to repeat itself in my head. ¬†It goes something like this, “Positive mind equals positive heart.” For a while, I couldn’t understand what this saying was signaling to me. ¬†Every morning I would wake up and it would¬†repeat itself. So two days ago I decided¬†to write those words down in my notebook. ¬†As I was looking at these five words in front of me something hit me. When you have a positive mind your heart is full of nothing but joy. Here are some side effects of a positive¬†mind:

  • You function better
  • You think clearer¬†
  • Focus more
  • Happiness is at an all-time¬†high
  • Uplift others
  • Smiling at complete strangers and the list goes on.

Let’s focus on the word positive. When you say positive, what is the meaning that comes to mind? There are two definitions¬†but the one I want to focus on is with no possibility of doubt. To me, that means you wake up with a mindset that says I’m not letting anything stand in my way. No matter obstacle, people’s opinion you will continue to move forward because you made the choice to be positive. I personally think positive minds are beneficial because they eliminate the things that are not suppose to be in your life. A Positive mind starts¬†to reveal certain things to you. Have you ever realize that when you speak positively that people who once enjoyed your company tend to shy away from you. They call less, they invite you places less to them your just no fun to be around anymore. Don’t look at this as a bad thing. Look at it as an excellent thing. Positivity eliminates people who have a negative vision. ¬†You are sending signals that are saying your negative energy has no place here. So remove yourself.

As I get older, I start to look at things with a positive mind instead of not trusting my judgment. I’m starting to believe in the fact that you need to focus on the positive more instead of thinking about the negative. When I started this blog, I’m not going to lie my mind was racing before I hit the publish button because I was allowing myself to think of all the what-ifs. ¬†I know¬†you are wondering how did I stop those thoughts? Well here is how I did it. I started thinking of the positives. In my mind and heart, I feel like I’m ¬†giving someone a voice or that push that someone needs. Sometimes it’s your fear that can lead others to unprecedented¬†heights. To me, that was all the positive I needed to push the publish button. ¬†Now I wake up with a mission to touch a few more each and every day. You may not think a positive mind has an effect¬†on others but it does. Just take a moment and think about how you feel when you come in contact with a grumpy person. Their mood affects yours. A positive mind works the same way. Here’s my challenge for you. Whenever you feel like you want to look at the negatives I challenge you to see the positives first. For some, that can be a challenge but for others, it comes naturally. Try it.¬†

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