Hello, I know it’s been a while. In my break away from the RedefinedLove.blog, I’ve learned a few things. I had to take a break because I needed to find clarity for myself and my journey. I wanted to find peace in the struggle. In the end, I found that there will never be peace if you allow others to change what you see for you. And to be honest, everyday I struggle with the journey I’m on. As I start to understand the struggles of my life’s journey. Though hard at times, I now know that in life you will have to fight for what you want and pay close attention to what causes you discomfort. I pay more attention to the things that affect the way I feel, more than I do the things that make me comfortable now.
It all started, when I came to a shocking realization that no one and I do mean no one will understand what you are going through. Let’s be real, people like to see others struggle because it makes them feel like their world is not so bad. In actuality, until you learn to face your struggles head on you will always find comfort in being comfortable. Someone had to make me uncomfortable because I had become to comfortable in the space that I was in.
My one true fear was facing my true self and feeling like the world would judge me based off of that fear. Then I realized everyone has a fear. Mines was not allowing me to be me. So I did a simple search on Amazon to find self-help books and this one had spark my interest. I didn’t buy it at first because I wasn’t sure if I was ready or not to face that fear. Maybe a week or so ago I decide to take the plunge and buy it. The book is called “Fear is My Homeboy by Judi Holler”. When I say this book changed my life along with the other books I have read over the months. I started paying attention to the things that made me fear being in my own personal space. When I went to work, I started to realize I was not myself out of fear of what others would think. I felt like I had to choose between them and me.
When in reality, I should have been choosing me all along. I read another book called Strengthening Her Essence – A woman’s guide to Liberation through truth By Fila McMillan -Antwine. These books was making me feel comfortable with me. All while being uncomfortable with how much I was giving myself away to others. I was protecting others while leaving myself left open. I started to understand why my journey was so hard because I had nothing left to build me up. I was giving all myself away while no one was pouring in to me. All this time, I had blinders covering my vision. All because I wanted to see the good in everyone around me and not paying attention to the fact that they were just using my strength to put the batteries in their backs. All while mine were on empty. Yet that didn’t stop me from giving.
About a week ago, All the this stuff started to take a toll on me. I remember feeling like the world was coming down on me so hard. I was emotional and couldn’t come to terms with what was happening. I didn’t understand the lesson that was about to reveal itself was going to make me question all the things I had put in to play to help everyone around me. Was now leaving me to drown on my own. Not to mention the person I was going to bat for was the one that was allowing me drown the most because they was covering for themselves. All my life, I have been a team player, no one could get me to oppose the home team. Now, the home team was the one who violated me the most. Yeah, goes back to a hard pill to swallow. Not to mention people warned me before but they say you shouldn’t judge anyone based off of others opinions. I should have listen just a little and still kept as an open zone.
This is when I started to look at how comfortable I had become. It made me upset that I had allowed myself to get that comfortable with this situation to point I had to put up my wall again. I had to reevaluate everything that had let get me so deep in to this situation. This in the end was the lesson that put my fear to the test. Everyone was so use to me being the yes woman to now I’m asking questions. I want to know why certain things are not happening. To the point that I’m now making others uncomfortable because now they feel like they have to come up with new logics to pacify me because they couldn’t believe quiet me was now standing up for herself. It only caused more questions for me. Every question that it caused I asked to point that it caused some people who was looking out for themselves to now be cautions of how they try to pacify me. Now, who was uncomfortable you ask. Them!
I’m not saying you can’t see the good in others. What I’m saying is don’t be blind to people that will only see what they can get from you and leave you empty. It’s not how you fall it’s how you bounce back. I’m now on the rode to recovery because not only am I me and I’m allowing my fear to teach me a new profound respect for myself. I made it my homeboy because that what has put more batteries in my back and I refused to give this fuse away again.