Over the last couple of months, I’ve been struggling with who I am. I’ve been caught between the people pleaser Cynethia and the I really don’t want to do that Cynethia. I’ve set goals for myself and didn’t follow through with them. I struggled with love, trust, understanding, being overly emotional, to just downright being complicated.
I have to fall apart, pick myself up, fell again and repeated. I neglected my site. Not to mention, I have a job that’s so demanding and tiring that all I want to do when I get home is take a nap at 3 in the afternoon. I say all this to say, I had a couple months of struggle. 🙂
When I realized, I was losing me. I couldn’t figure out where I went wrong. I had all these questions but not a single answer. I remember getting up going to work and doing my job but not feeling the joy I once had. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and it is rewarding to do what I do and see the results. But….. No one tells you about the after-effects of getting the things you love and losing you in the process.
Your friends and textbooks don’t say, “Girl you should make time for you.” You don’t work this hard just to work and not have fun. You need to stop doing everything and just do what you are required to do. No one says, in the working world people only do what is required. Because…. they have been doing the job for so many years, that they have become tired of doing extra of stuff.🤦♀️
When I say I was doing everything and feeling overworked. I felt like I had 8 arms and 2 legs and juggling at the same time. If my job offered it, I should have gotten a sticker that said ” the working horse: if you don’t do it, she will.” I was taking on other people’s job because I felt like I had to. Trust, they didn’t object to it; because someone else was doing their job. So they were like here take my workload, I’m just going to sit here and look good. I became tired and aggravated, to point that I started looking at people sideways. What I didn’t realize was, I didn’t set the ground rules when I first came in. I was so afraid of doing something wrong that I was working like my life and legacy depended on it. Which it didn’t, to be truthful and still don’t.
I didn’t want no marks , no F’s, no incomplete, no derogatory comments. Nothing! I was going to prove I was meant to be there and I was able to stand the test of time. Not paying attention to the fact that I was failing at life and failing myself in the process of pleasing a job that would still be there after I had stressed myself out. Let’s be honest, I was headed to stress land. I was on a one-way ticket. I wanted so badly to speak up to people who felt like they could tell me what to do but didn’t have the credentials to back it up. Knowing deep down, I had a voice but at that time, the cat had my tongue. I wasn’t at my best and I wasn’t standing in my true form. I was standing in a window of fear and toxic energy that was causing me to question, Who am I?
Until I was able to realize that I was doing more harm than good. I kept this trend going for a few more months before I finally got myself together. Finally, I decide after reading a book that a co-worker had lend me called “TD. Jakes: Instincts,” This book spoke to me so much that I had a moment where I felt like he was sitting in my house, reprimanding me like he was my parent. It was at that moment, I started to realize I no longer wanted to be a yes woman. 🙂 I wanted to be Cynethia again and I knew that she was in there somewhere waiting for me to open the window. Hoping that I would free my inner voice and speak up for the person that my mother raised. Before I found myself again, I was coming home complaining and wishing I would have spoken up for myself. Stress eating unhealthy foods and praying that it wouldn’t stick to my thighs, knowing good and well it was. 🤷♀️ But hey, it sure was tasty and it helped me bond with my inner struggle. On the weekends, I didn’t want to do anything. I wanted to sleep. Nothing less, nothing more. No ambition to get stuff done, no determination, no perseverance. Letting other opinions dictate what I should be doing, instead of following my instincts on what I know. Bishop Jakes said, “Just because a person has more experience than you, doesn’t mean they know more than you.” I found that to be: the truth.
No one should ever make you question your ability to Identify You. No one should ever put fear or toxic energy in your thought process to make you feel like you don’t belong or fit the cause. If you didn’t belong or fit the cause you wouldn’t have made it this far. This is your proof that you belong and you don’t need someone else opinion that you don’t. Another quote I took from the book was “While you can respect others opinion, you cannot walk on someone else wisdom, who have never been on your level.” When I say I was shocked by this word…I was. Because…. in life, we take someone else words to heart way too often. We believe that if they are saying it, they mean it. Here’s a little secret, your enemy can say something that could put you in a worst-case scenario. Knowing that will take you off your game. People in this day and age don’t want someone else to shine because they know it will reflect on what they don’t have or strive to have. The harsh reality for a harsh world. We all like to try and see the good but in this thing called life, the bad balances everything out. You can’t have something positive without something negative popping up. And you can’t have something good without the bad. This is how life is meant to work and has been for many years. How you interpret it is how you see yourself at that moment. Life will only give you what you put out in the world. This is what I am realizing as become an older woman in my late 20s. You can’t have the good without the bad. You can’t be at peace without finding what truly makes you happy. These are all things that Identify You.
What did I do to get back to me? I found more positive things to make me change my outlook on my life. I listen to the podcast, I read more books and quotes, I changed my circle of friends, and watch who I let near me. But…. most importantly I follow my instincts because I know they won’t leave me hanging. I don’t do what I don’t want to do. I listen to others’ opinions but I don’t take them to heart anymore. I realize people like to talk and I no longer care; to be honest. I can’t change a person’s opinion and it’s not part of my job description, so why do I care. Once I came to the conclusion that everyone is not meant to like you and\or accept you. I freed my mind. Because their opinion does not help me pay my bills, feed my family, help me get into the afterlife, put more money in my bank account. Help me do my job effectively. Why do I care? Some people love to hear themselves talk because they like the sound of their voices; it soothes their souls and puts a bandaid on what they don’t want to face at that moment: Themselves.
One thing you can’t run from is YOU. Eventually you have to face yourself and your troubles (struggles). So I ask that you Identify yourself. No matter how strong we think we are, there is something that catches our tongues and holds on to them. Know the signs and knock them out of the park. Before you become like me and forget your identity and lose who you are meant to be.
Until next time,